Alexander was in surgery. His mother sat in a chair in the waiting room, her new husband Jason crouched between her legs supporting her slumped over frame. As I walked in I instinctively put my arm out in front of the children to stop them from leaping to her. They didn’t know why we were there, I hadn’t known how to tell them. As we walked closer my sister in law Maggie looked up, as soon as she saw the kids she broke into hysterics. I felt rooted to the spot, everything seemed to move too slow. I didn’t want to hear them, didn’t want to see them.  Someone had called Emily, she rounded the corner just as I was willing my feet to move toward the horrible scene in front of me. “Let me take the children” she must have said because within seconds she was taking them to the back part of the room where books and toys were.

My movements still felt forced as I walked toward the family. My mother in law looked up quickly and placed her head back in her hands. Jason looked at me shaking his head no as if to tell me it was that bad. Maggie moved over a seat and silently I sat down between her and my mother in law. I took their hands in mine, we never said a word, we waited.

Time had no meaning for me from that point, I may have sat there for minutes or hours I don’t know. Then the waiting was over. The doctor came and pulled up a chair in front of us. There was nothing they could do, the damage to severe. He was comfortable, they wanted us to say goodbye. I just sat there, remembering the morning in bed with Alexander. This couldn’t be happening, I had fell back to sleep and was having a nightmare. Everything around me ceased to exist.

I looked up and the doctor was gone, My in-laws were gone. Good I thought only a nightmare but then Emily came over to me and put her hand on my knee. Jason came to me after I don’t know how long. It was time he said. I stood, numb, I took the children by the hand and lead them down the long white hall to say goodbye to their father.